Sunday, September 24, 2017

Presenting: Lovely Lalo in PJs

I started this bear with a different subject in mind (see Monroe bear). But once I was all the way to the neck, I could see the chubby little boy in his pj's. He was very much loved by his abuelita y abuelito. He never knew his immigrant father. After his grandparents died, his mother was not adult enough to parent him alone.

As he grew--learning to be confident on those LA streets, holding his head high as men called out to him from their cars as he walked home from school--he found his own way. Escaped to Ivy Leagues and higher degrees.

His mom turned him away for being too much her son--liking the guapos, laughing too loud, waving his arms.

I wish you'd have been my little brother (although the homophobia there was as harsh as LA, maybe more so). I wish we had been there to give that little boy hugs when his mama faltered.

Maybe I’ll make a bear for Becky Salas some day.

Side note: Lalo’s story is like the opposite of Jeff’s. Such different worlds. Such different twists…

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Last night the animals drove me crazy, and we narrated this children’s story:

“Hermano,” Flaco says to Nopalito. “Mama and Papa won’t let me go out tonight, and I’ve got to get my prowl on. Can you help me out?”

“Orale,” Nopalito replies. “I can distract Papa like nobody’s business!”

Papa calls Nopalito and SweetPea for their last trip out before bed. Nopalito skips down to the bottom of the stairs. He looks to the left, towards the toileting area, and then towards the right, toward the orchard, where are are interesting things to eat, like figs, or slugs, or who knows what.

“Nopalito,” Papa calls out warningly.

Nopalito looks up the steps at Papa and then races off to the right.

“Nopalito!” Poppa scolds, coming down the steps after him.

“Thanks ‘mano!” Flaco calls, as he races out of the house before Papa can stop him.

“I got your back,” Nopalito replies.

SweetPea scampers up the stairs, unaware of the drama of dog and cat.

And so we all go to bed, without Flaco, since he’s on the prowl, and with much snuggling.

Less than an hour later, Flaco meows at the outside door. Mama grumbles and makes her way into the kitchen, turns on the light, and opens the door for Flaco. Flaco immediately runs into the bathroom and starts to meow some more.

Mama thinks Flaco is crying because the toilet lid is closed. Flaco sometimes likes to drink water out of the toilet and leaves the seat covered with dirty paw prints, as if a whole family of raccoons have been by. Mama starts to fill up Flaco’s water fountain in the study, so he will have plenty of fresh water. Flaco continues to cry “Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!”

That’s what Mama hears.

What Flaco is actually saying though, is “Mouse! Mouse! Mouse! Mouse! Mouse!”

He happily calls to Nopalito and SweetPea because he has brought them a tasty mouse.

“Hey, ‘manito,” he calls to Nopalito, “I saw you trying to steal my food before, so I thought you were hungry!”

“Eeek!” Mama screams, when she sees the mouse. “No! No! No! No! No!”

“What?” Papa calls from the bedroom.

“He brought something in with him! Ugh! I think it’s a mouse!”

Nopalito comes tearing out of the bedroom happily, with Papa right on his heels. “Oh no” Papa says, “no mouse for you!” Papa grabs Nopalito and carries him back to the bedroom, closing the door behind them.

Flaco tries to show Mama what a marvelous toy a mouse can be, batting it across the floor, scooping it up with one taloned paw and making it fly through the air.”

“Ugh!” says Mama, as she gets out the dustpan. “I’m sorry little mouse.” She scoops up the sad little mouse and tosses it outside in the direction of the orchard. I hope it’s in the orchard, she says to herself. I hope I didn’t throw it all the way into the neighbor’s yard.

Mama and Flaco come to bed and Mama continues to grumble under her breath.

“Parents just don’t understand,” Nopalito whispers to Flaco. A short while later, he gets out of bed and walks to the bedroom door, where he promptly vomits up whatever he ate in the orchard.

“Good night, Flaco.”

“Good night, Nopalito.”

Monday, September 11, 2017

I have a successful foot! Hurray! There were some gaps behind the stitches, where the stuffing would show through, so I just packed some scraps of brown yarn there, in front of the polyfill, and that seemed to cover it. I also tried embroidering a “duplicate stitch” over the color change.

[Later]

Okay, I’ve started over, because I wanted a black shoe. I’m following the Lily doll pattern just for the shoe, so the first 6 rounds:

Ch 5.

1st rnd: 1 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 1 sc in each of next 2 ch. 3 sc in last ch. do not turn. Working in rem loops of foundation ch, 1 sc in each of next 2 ch. 2 sc in last ch. Join with sl st to 1rst sc. 10 sc.

2nd rnd: Ch1. 2scin 1rst sc. 1sc in each of next 2sc. 2sc in each of next 3sc. 1sc in each of next 2sc.2 sc in each of last 2sc. Join with sl st to 1rst sc. 16 sc.

3rd rnd: Ch1.2sc in 1rst sc. 1 sc in each of next 4sc. 2 sc in each of next 4sc. 1 sc in each of next 4 sc. 2 sc in each of next 3 sc. Join with sl st to 1rst sc. 24 sc.

4th rnd: Ch 1. 1 sc in each sc around. Join with sl st to 1rst sc. 24 sc.

5th rnd: Ch 1. 1 sc in each of next 7 sc. (Sc2tog) 3 times. 1 sc in each sc to end of rnd. Join with sl st to 1rst sc. Place marker at end of rnd. 21 sts.

6th rnd: Ch 1. Working in back loops only, 1 sc in each of next 6 sc. (Sc2tog) 3 times. 1 sc in each sc to last 2 sc. Sc2tog. Join with sl st to 1rst sc. 17 sts.

Then two rounds of fur tone (not skin tone), then join blue yarn for jeans.

This is making a leg 16-17 stitches around, which is okay for a bear but prob’ly too big for a doll.

I should’ve done one or more rounds of the Lily pattern to keep decreasing stitches down to 14.

So, this foot would look great hanging next to my other test feet and legs and heads… Do I cut the yarn and chalk this up to a learning experience or will Xiomara’s first incarnation be a bear?

Well, I’ll finish the leg, anyway and then decide whether the second leg will match this one or be a second draft…

We tried watching an episode of TransParent tonight. Forgot how tedious (painfully bad) it really is. Maybe it gets better in the third season?

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Went to Colleen Fong’s retirement party today and totally wanted to make an amigurumi doll of Xiomara. She was wearing black vans, light blue skinny jeans with holes in them, Like a pink or purple kind of tunic top, big bangs and her hair up in a sloppy pony tail, and earbuds & phone. She had so much style. She snapped photos of the chihuahuas. Her mom made her interact with people.

I’m going to have to try this several times, I think. Basically I want something like the motherbear pattern but with feet that stick out (rather than just stubs). My first draft of the first foot failed, but I’ll just keep trying…

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Today’s farmchores were all chicken-related. Luz fed them and let them out before heading off to their action against white supremacy & fascism in Berkeley.

I cleaned the coop, cleaned out both waterers, gave the chickens fresh water, and brought in all the eggs.

Although I did most of this in the hotter part of the day, it wasn’t the absolute hottest part (in another hour), and of course I feel better for having accomplished the chicken chores.

I woke up from a dream last night of an Esquibel familia event and a Tía saying “Your grandpa’s too old to molest you now: you have to be nice to him.”

Ain’t that a kick in the pants.

I told this to Luz. I am so blessed to have a partner to whom I can tell whatever locura I am haunted by.

My mom has been saying how my dad has been deteriorating—more confused, more manic—but really there’s nothing she can do right now. In addition, the only doctor to take an actual interest in him, Dr. Rauth, the blood doctor, just lost his license (!!) and is being sued and so is no longer being covered by the insurance. My mom has been trying to get my dad a referral to another specialist, but it will take at least 2 weeks before they’ll even schedule an appointment. On the plus side, that means my mom is spending less time running my dad around to appointments and labwork. On the negative side, nobody is seeing my dad on a regular basis.

 

But he is going for a daily walk, and he is going to the senior center and he seems to have at least one friend, so those are all good things. Of course he’s also doing things like losing his keys and “playing in the garage” all day. But at least my mom is getting a tiny bit more downtime, since he’s not there all the time. And, for my dad, it gives him something to talk about, as he can now tell my mom about his walk, about his time with Christine, or at the senior center, or going around with his friend.

I’ve decided I need to buy a couple more brown yarns—light weight, for when I’m working with a lighter weight yarn for the clothing. That way I don’t have to move back and forth between a sportweight yarn and a heavy worsted weight, and try to figure out which hooks to use to get them to come out. It’s a plan.

I still haven’t washed or brushed my teeth, or taken my meds yet, but at least I’ve made some progress since Luz left.

 

 

Oh my goodness! On ravelry, I have just discovered someone who makes amigurumi saint dolls! I foresee a new stage in my dollmaking apprenticeship ahead!! (she’s a Catholic mother, so she’s going more for cute and cuddly than weird and specific, but I know I can make it work!

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Nopalito did his service dog routine to get me up this morning. But then he wasn’t urgent that I feed him. He went outside and I’m pretty sure he was licking his chops when he came in. But his tail was down and his head was down and then he didn’t want to eat his breakfast. He’s curled up with Poppa on the sofa right now. Pobrecito.

I am still just waking up. It’s an iced coffee kind of day, because it was so hot yesterday and it’s already hot this morning. I’m going to get dressed and head off to the Hazardous Waste disposal to get rid of the last of our paint. I didn’t get to the other tasks yesterday because a) they didn’t take all the hazardous waste, so the car wasn’t empty and b) it was hella hot and I didn’t want to.

I finished all the New Mexico bears yesterday and am now working on the bear with the gumdrop yarn. It’s hella cute, but, like the “jeans” yarn, very difficult to work with. The strands all want to straighten out, or I guess that’s what they call “splitty” for a yarn. Maybe if I were using a larger hook, it wouldn’t be as bad, but then there woud be all those holes.

So this bear I’m working on, I experimented with making her a butt. Or rather, I increased one stitch on each cheek. The overall effect is subtle and looks less like a butt and more like hips, which is pretty interesting! I think if you want a butt, you must have to build a butt (like in a pattern) and it’s not just a matter of one stitch here and one there. That makes sense, because the AmigurMe book, for the breasts, it is either a straight row of a more textured stitch, or you make the bra with cups in the round and then apply that too the chest. Oh, and for who knows what reason, I bought a pattern yesterday for a “childbirth education doll”!! Yes, a pregnant naked female body, which you stuff through the vagina with the placenta and the baby! And the buttocks are definitely sculpted. It’s ingenious, although at least half of the projects made from this pattern (on ravelry) were hella creepy looking.

I know I have a Venus of Willendorf crochet pattern tucked away somewhere.

I had a really funny dream. I think first it was Tina & Amy’s wedding, and then it was going to be mine & Luz’s wedding, and then it ended up being Eileen and Alyssa’s wedding, with Amy officiating, but it was really disorganized. Part of it was definitely held on our campus, and all these people were coming out of the ceremony and I was trying to give them directions to the Cesar Chavez Student Center where the reception would be held, probably in the Jack Adams ballroom. (it’s not really a ballroom, but the call the room “jack adams hall” which is really confusing because usually “hall” refers to a building so from now on I’m just going to call it the Jack Adams ballroom, and maybe the children will eventually hold a ball there.)

And Joe and Paul were in from Chicago wearing 17th century wigs. Joe was wearing a really long one with curls, and Paul was wearing a “balding one” with thin little curls on top. And the whole Edwardian suit and everything. And my parents were there, but my mom looked way younger. She hadn’t drank at all at the reception and was leaving early because she said “I needed to live my own life.” My dad wasn’t as bad off as he is now but he was still a handful.

And I had missed the actual exchange of vows—I’m not sure why, I stepped out. But apparently Eileen and Alyssa chose to wear these wigs, long flowing hair, like supermodel hair, and they were prob’ly like two different shades of auburn. So then when I was explaining to Amy that we knew Eileen and Alyssa—because she was explaining who they are to me and I was like, no, Eileen works with Luz at Cal State East Bay—Amy was trying to describe what she looked like, but based on what she was wearing and the wig, and since I hadn’t seen that part it wasn’t making any sense to me.

Also in my dream, my sister was pregnant and had acquired 3 more children through adoption (a friend of theirs died and of course Christine and Sal welcomed the children.)

 

Anyway, the organization of the wedding was very bad because someone told all the guests to head to the reception immediately after the reception, but there was no way for them to know where it was so they were sort of milling about. and I felt responsible for guiding them, but also really wanted to mingle with people, and check in, especially with Joe & Paul and my parents.

And Amy was supposed to DJ the wedding and got really upset when someone announced there would be a dance machine.

But later on there was this fabulous soulful music and games like “grab the person to your left and get two different notes from banging their heels on the table” and I was all like, I don’t think you can get two different notes from the heels and I was experimenting and I was right. But in retrospect, I think if you found someone who was lopsided, i.e. someone whose heels had worn in distinctly uneven patterns, then it would have worked. But that would seem awkward for the person whose shoes they were.

There’s things I’m trying to remember to look at and maybe order from Amazon, but I can’t remember what they are. One is china protectors for the china in the basement, but that was the one I did remember. There were at least two other things I couldn’t remember

Friday, July 7, 2017

I’m on the last two of the New Mexico bears.

My embroidery skills are still not very good (but then it’s hard to practice free hand embroidery on a single crochet background.

Uncle Freddy died yesterday. I have to say QEPD, even if I have a lot of anger and judgmental feelings coming up. He was a beloved son to Libradita. That’s what I should focus on.

 

SweetPea is here alongside me. She was wanting to be with me but I have so much junk on my lounge with me that there was no room. But Luz just boosted her up and put her in the midst, and now she’s all happy and asleep.

She really has a knack for making herself comfortable no matter what. there’s an electrical cord under her chin, yarn and an embroidered needle case under her head, and barely an inch away from her eyes there’s a stitch holder and an embroidery needle, and right next to her nose there’s a packet of stitch markers. All of which goes to show how messy I am. But I finished embroidering the face of one of the bears this morning, while still drinking my coffee and just before starting this journal entry.

When we couldn’t sleep last night, just touching SweetPea helped settle me down. It’s like there’s something deep inside me that releases, unclenches.

There was, apparently, a huge fire this morning near St. Paul’s where Beverley lives. There was a big building that was under construction and the whole thing went up in flames. Pretty scary situation, but Beverley slept through all the fire engines.

I can hear the chickens clucking outside.

My plan today is for Luz to pack up all the hazardous waste (mostly paint cans) for me to take to the appropriate site, and then I’ll come back and Luz can load up all the donation stuff for Thrift Town in San Leandro. I’ll swing by Lexi’s to drop off the stuff she wants, and then go to Thrift Town.

I’m going to go double check the hours for the hazardous waste disposal.

 

 

Monday, July 3, 2017

 

We finished the garage, including a final roomba.

The kombucha has been transferred from the cooking pot to the kombucha vat. So I need to mark myself out a note to check it at the end of the week.

Nopalito (and SweetPea, of course) were very good during dinner with Beverley last night. Nopalito actually settled in his bed. Seems the Plenty in Life is Free training has been working!

I’m almost done with another bear. I think I have four now (but it could be 3) : stuffed bears with flat heads awaiting embroidery, seaming up, and ears. And with the three bears already in the box waiting, I might have a box to send off by the end of the week.

Luz was imagining different granny square throws to adorn the foot of our bed, and how they might design them, putting colors together. “But I don’t want to take you away from your bears because that really seems to be working for you.”

I do so adore Luz!

I’m going to go update my project list for the bears, so I know where I’m at.

 

 

 

 

Sunday, June 18, 2017

So, obviously, I must have scared myself out of making poupee de vodoun, because I unravelled my doll head and then switched to a different bear and started making it a more “standard” bear head.

I’m not ready yet for the art dolls. That’s pretty interesting, though, since the main doll I was thinking of making was Fonsito. Myabe I’m not ready to forgive my dad yet, and for that reason I’m not read to free Fonsito, or acept Fonsito.

There’s a picture of my dad from school, I think maybe third or fourth grade. And my dad has been telling a story lately about how they took all the schoolboys to the seminary in Denver and said who wants to stay here and be a priest, and he saw they were warm and well-fed and thought it was a pretty good deal. But I think then he learned he would have to leave his mama and he couldn’t do it.

But he’s been embroidering on that story, from serving at altar to the possibility of going to seminary, to he could’ve been a priest and we would have never been born, to convincing himself that he was “Almost a saint.”

So when I was there, he was showing me the picture and telling me this story, and saying, Don’t I look saintly?

And I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. “You look like a little boy,” I said. “You look like sometimes you’re good and sometimes you’re naughty. Like all little boys.” ¡Cómo qué ‘almost a saint’!

So the current bear that I’m working on is kind of chubby and square. blockish. I think I should have made them a little longer somewhere in the body. But I’m sure they will come out cute and happy and healthy. This was a bear I made with larger needles. Not the head, which I’m working on now with an F, but the rest of the body is with a G hook, the largest I’ve yet used on a bear. Hey, I should go update my ravelry page so I’ll know what number bears I’m on…

Friday, June 16, 2017

So today, I unravelled yesterday’s head and am starting an amigurumi head, which I’ll make separately and then sew on to the existing body. The head will be out of proportion to the body—as amigurumi heads generally are, larger in relation to the body for a greater “cuteness” factor”—and that will take away the poppet aspect of the dolls.

But the funny thing is that as soon as I recognized the doll as a poppet, I started hugging it, snuggling into it. My poppet. There’s always a European-based witch somewhere saying “my poppet” like golem says “My Precious”!!

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I have major skin color issues with the Mother Bear Project. What I mean to say is, these will be toys of children in Africa, and many of the American women make light-skinned bears. Like the woman who sent me the welcome kit told me that her favorite fur color is the “caffe latte,” basically because it’s brown but it still shows up all the detail. And I’m all indignant, like caffe latte is the paper bag test color. And almost none of the kids that I see in the fotos are caffe latte. They’re mostly all espresso.

But maybe I’m anthropomorphizing too much. They’re bears, not dolls.

I remember that when I first tried to do the mother bear project, in… 2011? that I had made a bear with black yarn for fur. And it hadn’t turned out that well. and I experimented with giving it to Nopalito as a toy but was disturbed to see him dragging this black man around, and quickly took it away from him. It’s a bear. Not a person.

But then, I also believe that fiction writers will be held to account for all the people of color characters that they torture and kill off to advance the narrative of the white characters.

So yeah, I guess I hold on to things.

I think my original idea had been to make a bear for Baby Tony and then make another for the Mother Bear project, and there would be two kids across the world who had sibling bears.

But obviously there’s also the element of thinking of Baby Tony as “my” pagan baby in another country.

(In case you don’t know, Catholic schools used to always raise money for “pagan babies”—missionary efforts overseas— and we would “name” our “pagan babies” with certificates that we would post up in the classroom. At the time, of course, I thought that meant that somewhere else in the world a pagan baby was being baptised with the name that we chose. Now I realize that was just a symbol. That those names likely never left our classroom. Anyway, American Catholics who went to parochial school often have this shared memory of the “pagan babies.” Sigh. First world guilt.)

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I’ve been crocheting bears. Really, I’ve been doing it as a way to develop my skills.
No, wait, let me start at the beginning.
I started crocheting bears for a charity, Mother Bear Project, that donates the Bears to children in Africa who have been affected by HIV. Many of the children are in orphanages and have no toys of their own. It’s problematic, in that it lets privileged first world women fell good about doing something when in fact they’re doing nothing to the system that provides both their privilege and the South African poverty. Guilt. But it’s something that gets me to think outside of myself and my myopic, perfectionist world, and to think of making something for someone else. And I also think about the kids that Chip met in South Africa and how moved he was to see people who are truly poor, and to see global inequality.
Anyway, obviously, I’ve made some kind of peace with this charity to be able to participate. Although I don’t really talk about it to anyone.
So I’ve been making these bears. Crocheted in the round. And in the process, I’ teaching myself amigurumi, the Japanese art of crocheting cute little animals.
In my overall vision, I want to make dolls I was especially struck by the art of Ramona Garcia who creates paper mache dolls in the Mexican tradition. Paper mache, or cartonería—was a homegrown answer to the fancy porcelain dolls that peninsulares children brought with them from Spain. Creative. Cheap. Easily replaceable. Vulnerable to inclement weather (the glue is animal based, and the paper mache turns to stinky mush when it rains)
The dominant style for these dolls is of pink-skinned trapeze artists—there’s a Russian element in the mix, too.
In addition to having Ramona come to my class and teach my students the history of the dolls, I also took an workshops with her at Comalito Collective. It was really more of a crafty workshop, because she had blank paper mache dolls for us to paint. I had sort of wanted to make a doll for my dad, for Alfonsito in New Mexico around 1950, but the doll blank I received had. Little tricot new hat on it’s head. So I made it a kind of a girl doll, with overalls, but cut short like capris, with a Peter Pan collar, like my St. Gertrude’s uniform shirt, The tricorne hate I painted pink above the dark hair. I think it was some composite of Alfonsito, little Cathy, and Altagracia, my sainted child-aunt.
Anyway, another strong influence on both my teaching and my storytelling has been Clarissa Pinkola Estés, who talks a lot about the symbolism of dolls. Vasalisa’s mother gave her a doll to keep in her pocket.
And for a while, dolls were big in the Wiccan community as a source of power—getting in touch with your inner child, tapping into feminine energy, that kind of thing. And I’m lousy at paint or sculpture, so I stared thinking about crocheting dolls. I’ve always —ALWAYS—had a thing for dolls. When I was little, I would have eight or ten doll on my bed so there was little room left for me. I especially loved holly hobby dolls for a while, and I also used to buy dozens of the knock-off babies at the swap meet. My grandma Lupe at one time sewed giant Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls as a little side business.
We have a doll of Luz, too. Their old friend Jeanne Ramirez made it. Jeanne makes dolls that look like actual people. And this doll is like a little trains guy, in their blue-checked shirt, and their jeans, and their fisherman sandals.
I always wanted to sew dolls. When I was little and living in California, I would make this little dolls (based on corn husk dolls, I think) using kleenex, cotton, and thread. I remember my Aunt Alice being really struck by them and telling my mom I needed a creative outlet, like knitting. My mom said I wouldn’t have the patience for something like that, but obviously I felt like I did, since I still remember it.
Decades ago, in junior high, we had a workshop of soft-sculpture dolls, which totally stimulated my imagination and made me want to make all kinds of dolls, including a Virgen de Guadalupe doll.
Anyway, my sewing skills remain quite pedestrian. So far I can make blankets and hem pants, and that’s about it.
But my knitting and crochet skills have come a long way. And I became interested in small knit or crocheted dolls. I have the Star Wars kit and am on my third attempt of making a Princess Leia dolls. I have one book of amigurumi figures made to look like celebrities, and another of fashion dolls knit by Scandinavian designers Arne & Carlos.
And I’ve been thinking about putting stones and crystals and herbs and words inside the dolls, to help ground people or to protect them
Oh, another big doll influence is Woman Who Glows in the Dark, where the therapist will hide a doll that the client has to find, to recover a lost part of herself.
So I’m making these teddy bears, with the idea that someday, I will make dolls to represent Fonsito and Antonio, those skinny little manitos, nuevomexicano boys on the ranch.
And this charity project and its bears make a great venue for developing those skills. They'll take all the bears that I send them, so I don’t have to stare at my failures. Theres’s communities of women who work on the bears, some of whom have made 100 or even 300 bears. So I can ask for advice. Although the emphasis is really on the charity, not the craftsmanship, yet there are some people doing really amazing detail on their bears and definitely as a form of creativity.
I think I’m prob’ly on bear 15 or 16 right now. I made a bunch of bear bodies when I was in Las Cruces last week. I didn’t tak any stuffing with me at all, so I couldn’t finish the bears or make their heads. So I have these flat bear bodies. Last night, while watching television, I pulled out all of my flat bears and started stuffing them. Luz says it’s kind of disturbing to suddenly have all these headless dolls all over the house.
The simple pattern for the bears call for a rectangular head, which you then needle sculpt to get round with round ears on it. My first one came out looking more like a cat than a bear. None of my faces have been exactly prize-winning, either: I still have a lot to learn in the embroidery skills. But like I said, I finish them, I ship them off. Someone else is in charge of quality control, so I’m not going to worry about that too much. (An important consideration for my OCD brain).
But since I’ve been especially dissatisfied with the shape of my heads and ears, I’ve been thinking of trying a round, amigurumi head instead and making the ears separately and attaching them.
And I finally did that with one bear, where I’ve made it a round head, but haven’t progressed to the ears.
And today, I did that with another one, with one of the bodies I was working on in New Mexico: I added a neck and started a spherical head and am about halfway done with it.
And I realized what with round heads and still without their ears attached, they don’t look like bears. They look like people. They look like voodoo dolls. Well, that’s not really the right word, because I think it’s European witches who used them, poppets, and in the Salem witch trials the women were accused of having poppets. So I did a little research on poppets and Poupees and saw that really, that’s the protective element of what I was thinking of for healing dolls. The herbs, the stones for protection, the words of protection. Was I thinking of it as witchcraft? Curanderismo, sure, bruerjía, perhaps ironically. That white/dark good/evil magic has really been drilled into us, hasn’t it!
Anyway, I was kind of ashamed to admit that the doll looks like a poppet. The funny thing is that I posted that on face book, and then got really anxious, and then laughed to see that my post was immediately liked by two of my homegirls: Alicia C de Baca and Joanne Barker.So that was a kind of reassurance.

Monday, May 1, 2017

I’m having my usual array of internet problems this morning. Email seems to all from last night. internet browses spinning endlessly.

I’m still waking up —after half an hour and a cup of coffee—I’m certain now that I will need a second cup!

The pups are curled up with us on the sofa and I’m feeling like “how did we go so long without Chihuahuas in our lives? How could we miss out on being so happy?”

We’re in a very lemon tree kind of mood today. Luz went out and harvested herbs to cook up with their eggs for breakfast. “It’s just like in your book,” I said to them.

The other night I was explaining to Luz all my queer hagiographix. Dinfa and Sta Barbara = Delgadina. The Morisco tale of the handless maiden. And how I got started on Dinfa because she’s the patron of Alzheimers and Dementia but also depression.

And then Luz was telling me about Adilia’s presentation on the aires in their Latina Feminisms class, and how the students were really into it and how Luz felt like they were getting it for the first time. And I couldn’t actually remember too much about the aires.

And Luz said how they could be subject to weather or locations or trauma,

and then I got really excited and told Luz how that I felt that when we lived in Mora, my mom was afflicted by the aire that my Grandma Libby had lived through—isolation and loneliness and helplessness. And they both had to escape. And maybe my dad was also afflicted by the spirits of his father, or reacting against them. But that the place was full of emotion and trauma and haunting.

And Luz got really excited and told me what a great project that would be.

And I asked “but what form? fiction? creative non-fiction?”

And Luz says, “you don’t even need to be bound by that. You can just Borderlands it, essay, poetry, stories.”

Borderlands it.

Fronterizalo.

Well, I’m happy to be able to write all this, because in addition to my internet woes, my journal was frying out on me. I wonder if my new computer will make it easier or harder.

Yesterday I finished up my tenth bear, so I now have a whole box ready to ship to Minnesota.

Christine took my Dad boot-shopping yesterday and it was a total stress-fest. Two hours, and he didn’t even seem happy at the end. He didn’t buy the pair that was comfortable but the pair that was on sale. Sal sent a video too, which showed him confused and Christine kind of disengaged, on her phone. But also showed her on her knees helping him. But what I really noticed was how pale my dad looked. She was really frustrated (and I couldn’t imagine being in her place and not having a meltdown) but she handled it all and I tried to reassure her.

Oh, I’d better call my dad now and wish him a happy birthday!

I ordered him boot accessories (a boot jack and boot pullers) but unfortunately, they’re coming to my house instead of to his.

(sad face)

Liliana Hueso just shared the artwork of Sabrina Zarco: really amazing embroidery: it’s like mural/graffiti colcha!

I think my Muslim shirt is headed to Luz’s pile soon. It’s really pulling across the chest.

Still haven’t called my dad!

Alright, one more thing I need to note. We tidied up this morning and I spent an inordinate amount of time rolling balls of yarn for future bears. And one thing that has really been bothering me is that Claudia, one of the members of the Good Things Together Mother Bear project, recently sent me a welcome pack, which was super sweet. And included several balls of yarn, including one called Caffe Latte which she said in her note, is her favorite color to use for bears. Like bear skin color. Basically because it’s light enough to show details but it’s not so light as to be Caucasian (my words, not hers). And I’m all like, yeah, it’s paper bag brown, so basically you’re using the paper back test to determine the appropriate complexion for bears for African children. None of whom have that color skin.

Yeah, the the things that get under my skin sometimes.

Rankle.

That was a big word in romance novels. “Does that still rankle?” I think the authors were British.

Or, maybe I’ll call my dad on the drive to the city!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday, April 24, 2017

I’ve been taking a lot of blood glucose readings over the last few weeks. When I’m missing a meal, it can drop into the sixties, but otherwise the morning fasting is usually in the seventies and it’s in the normal range all day long. I still want to catch it a couple more afternoons when I’m feeling stupid.

I dreamt I was in Las Vegas, New Mexico the other night. I had borrowed John Lujan’s car (I’m pretty sure John was using arm braces, and I kind of had a date with him, and then I kind of got out of it and borrowed his car to go somewhere.)

And I was bleeding like I used to before my surgery, with great big clots of blood. In fact, I was using the bathroom at my Aunt Helen’s house and I was feeling bad because the whole toilet was going to need to be cleaned when I was done.

I had been sleeping out in the park and then went to my Aunt Helen’s house to use the bathroom.

I had wheeled a walker out into a park that was toward the Junior high, but it was so pretty! And the walker kind of turned into a treadmill, because I set it up and I was walking and walking but not going anywhere. And then I lay down and went to sleep. And when I got up, I knew there was going to blood on my clothes.

Really, I’m lucky a werewolf or a vampyre didn’t find me! All that blood.

SweetPea and I have our first weaves class tonight. I cleaned out the manners minder and replaced the batteries in the remote. I haven’t trained her to use it yet, though!

We already had dinner: Filipine eggs. I had cooked rice last night and then today I cooked the garlic in butter and then cooked the rise in the garlic butter, and put the plates in the oven to keep warm till Luz came home and fried the eggs.

 

OH! I started crocheting a Princess Leia for Joanne this weekend, but I think A) I’m using too big a hook and B) I’m miscounting rows in the head, because it keeps coming out huge! I have one in “buff” and one in “caffe latte.” Then I ran out of white yarn when I was making the dress. The brown one I’m putting in in pink top and she’s either going to be a Virgen de Guadalupe or a Zuni revolutionary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

I also posted about my current bear:Somehow this bear came out way smaller than my others. I'm going to use more of the yarn from my nephew's slippers, but for pants instead of top (like I did for my Tang Tang bear), and this bear can be Didi—“younger brother” for Tang Tang's little brother, Ole.
This will be a good reference for when I make the bears of my Dad and my uncle.
I was going to make this bear the Tío Antonio bear, with overalls, but will wait to do that till I get the right colors for the Fonsito bear.
Luz has an online (web?) class today for an organizing program. 10-2 (yikes!)I think I’ll take the dogs to Alameda for part of that. We can have a walk. I can get some yarn. Should be ok.
The chickens are out enjoying the sunshine and working the garden. we forgot to feed them on Thursday until the evening, so I’ve been trying to be more attentive to their needs. I cleaned and filled their water tank, and I’ve been trying to hang them up greens to eat.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Okay I totally failed to journal this morning and so am writing this at 4pm on Friday afternoon. Hey, it makes more sense! I have more to say at the end of the day than I do in the morning!

So I’m on the couch with the pups, but it’s nigh on time to clean the kitchen in preparation for Pizza Friday. Even if I haven’t graded a single assignment today.

Luz has worked in the garden (alone!) and filled up the green bin. And taken lots and and lots of plants out.

I am still reading Tananrive Due’s final Lalibela novel, My Soul to Take. Which, interestingly enough, has a cross-over with Phoenix from Joplin’s Ghost. (When I was reading Joplin’s ghost, I remembered that Phoenix’s music was crossed over in Blood colony, but didn’t realize that the character herself would show up in this world. I never finished Joplin’s ghost, mostly because I didn’t like the Scott Joplin character and could just flip ahead like you would with a physical book.) I find Tanarive due annoyingly heterocentrist, especially heteromance. It’s like she still thinks Dawit and Jessica are a great tragedy. Argh! That makes me kind of mad. Okay, here’s a joke to get me to lighten up. Due’s Dawit is Nina Simone’s brown-eyed handsome man.

It’s funny, though, that all of Due’s immortals are men except for Fana. She’s like the protagonist of Mind of My Mind.

Hey, I got a thank you note today from Mother Bear for my first two bears. I’ve got one more done, one more waiting for his face, and I’m on the legs of a third (i.e. my fifth) who will be wearing overalls like Tío Antonio and Fonsito. Fonsito will be the name of my bear in overalls, even though he’s really wearing a chambray shirt and cuffed jeans. That’s what his doll will look like. his little brother in a tshirt and overalls.

anyway, I posted my question about crocheting overalls on the bear and got some really helpful instructions from the moderator on ravelry. Hurray!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

 

I talked to Luz last night about Atul Gawande’s book Being Mortal and what I really like about it, and what I found triggering. (I go back to feeling like cancer is inevitable. that soon it will be my turn to get cancer.) I think I’m going to go ahead and order it in hardcover, and then mark sections for them to read.

We’ll see if that works.

Luz suggested giving it to my sister to read, and I think that’s a good idea.

Okay, I’m already behind for today, so I’d better hit the road.

Oh, I think I’m going to order another amigurumi book, to help me with my Mother Bears. I still don’t like the way my heads come out—I think they ruin the whole effort. I took out the chart for the craftsy class I took and then charted out how I’m doing the bear—only the leg so far—so that I can have a reliable way of keeping track of what I’m doing to get consistent results. So far, that has meant changing from a starting ring of eight with one row of increases (to 16) to starting with a row of 6 (6 or 7 is standard) with two rows of increases (12, 16). I did a sample last night and the new version looks smoother and less lumpy.

Go to work, Catriona!

 

 

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Even though I managed to hold on to that dream an extra day, I’ve already forgotten last night’s dream. Other than how surprised I was when the alarm went off.

Oh, today would be a good day to post my dog-walking poem. Because of Joanne talking about writing shitty poetry. (which she totally doesn’t!)

She posted a poem last night about sexual assault and fighting it off and how terrifying and dismembering it was, and how when she retells the story, that part is erased in favor of the supportive narratives everyone else inserts.

I’m crocheting another bear (#4). I’m really torn between wanting to finish the running bear I started, and wanting to go all Mexicana huipil and skirt on this one. I think I should finish it, and save the huipil for the next bear, the one where I **count the stitches** instead of just eye-balling it and then later saying to myself, this bear looks kind of chueco…

I have just a few minutes before I wake Luz up.

I have office hours at noon and plan to grade before and after that. I should have the photo essays finished today (assuming I find them all) and make a good start on the Lotería projects. I’m going to take the dogs with me. I’m hopeful that their presence will make me more inclined to walk and less inclined to crochet.

I’ve been reading (listening to) Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End. It’s pretty intense. On the one hand, I want to ask Beverley if she’s read it, I want Luz to read it, I want my mom and sister to read it. On the other hand, I want to spare everyone from reading this book. I get really mad when I realize that my Dad is much closer to the end of the journey than most of us want to admit. I think my Mom has a pretty good sense—she’s thinking weeks or months. I do think my sister is now thinking “this year.” Steven had asked her if he should come out and she told him, not now, but this summer for sure.Flaco was a total ragdoll in my arms this morning. Although he’s a total tiger much of the time, it’s fun to see him so cuddly. (Klingon in the streets, tribble in the sheets.)

I need another cup of coffee...

Oh no! I’ve searched my journal and totally failed to find my precious Barrio Chihuahua’s poem! My timeless verses, lost forever! ¡Qué lástima!

Hmm, I wonder if I lost not only the post with the dog walking poem but also the one where I wrote about being able to connect to dropbox. I’ll do another search to look for it.

I am back at work on my fourth bear, and I am mostly following the directions. I mean okay, I’ve only followed the directions for the last 15% of the pattern, but at least I’m doing that. I think if I counted and kept track of numbers, my bears wouldn’t keep coming out so chueco and with pin heads. This one I’m mostly following directions for the head and neck and now the head looks ENORMOUS. (It would have helped if I’d first followed the directions for the body!)I’m super sleep today: don’t know why, other than that I don’t want t grade. The pups are here at the office with me and they are both sleeping, so maybe that’s creating a general atmosphere of sleepiness in the office.
Follow up—yep! That’s what happened! the dog post was the same one where I was first able to access the macjournal through dropbox on the macbook air.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

I am doing a phenomenal job of procrastinating—perhaps the best job I have ever done! Class is at 11:10. I haven’t graded anything since the first assignment, and I have no idea what I will do in class today.

That said, I’ve crocheted some might fine bears!

I’m punchy and need to drink more coffee, defrost some dog food, and pack up my stuff for agility class today. I might even need to buy some new tennies: just something that will see me through indoor agility training without tearing up the ground.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Last night I started looking for other charities to crochet for and got all caught up in “recovery buddies.” But I think I need to step back on that before I reach the “overcommitted and underprepared” stage. Just tell myself in my head “that will be for another time,” “I can get to that later.”
Of course, what I really need to do now is to grade my student’s work, even thought that’s what I’m **least** interested in doing.

I’m going to take the dogs for a walk today. I should’ve taken them out yesterday, and I’m sure that’s why someone ended up peeing on the bathroom floor.

I’m trying to read a m/m novel I bought years ago. I must have read it at the time, but honestly the writing is so bad. This is funny, right? considering some of the stuff I’ve so easily devoured? But it’s so repressed and disorganized. Honestly, until the introduction of a third character, I didn’t think I was going to make it through. It’s still pretty much hit-or-miss was to whether I’ll be able to finish it.

Last night at Beverley’s I started Bear #4. This is the first one I didn’t start with bear-colored-feet, because I wanted to do that whole cute footie-pajama look. But now I’ve decided against that because kids in Africa are not wearing footie pajamas! That’s a luxury of folks with in-house washer/dryers.
So I’m going to undo both of the legs I started. I was sent a welcome kit from the “Good things together” group, and it included bright yarns in aqua and yellow, and a cafe au lait color for the bear. I actually want to develop the skills to make darker complexioned bears. Even the rust I’ve been working with is pretty light compared to these kids, and I don’t want them to associate American with white-skinned. In fact, working with the yellow for the pajama leg bothered me quite a bit because it looked like it was supposed to be flesh-toned.

I think I should go back to the idea of the Ole and Tang Tang Bears. and knit up some i-cord scarves, which make finishing so much easier!

My first two bears should arrive in Minneapolis tomorrow.

[long grumbling part removed from entry]

All right. enough grumbling on my part.

I should set myself some grading goals so that I will be able to make some progress today. And the crocheting should be a reward for grading.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

 

I’m almost finished with my third bear. I mailed the first two off yesterday, along with some magazines and stuff to my dad. The third bear just needs his face stitched on, his head stuffed and sewn off, and his scar made and attached.

I sent the second bear off without having photographed his face. Oh well.

The weather has turned cold again, which is an adjustment for us, given our recent trip to Dallas.

 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Home at last! Home at last! Lord have mercy, home at last!

So that trip to Dallas was a lot more whirlwind and exhausting than we were prepared for, but it went well and now we are home again. We got to sleep in our own bed, with our own puppies.

I pretty much finished my second bear, although I am wanting to add a collar or something. But I think I should let it go and send it off. I can refine as I go, but everything doesn’t have to be on these first bears!

Alas, I appear to have lost my favorite crochet hook somewhere between the plane and the car. I was crocheting right up until landing, so I know I had it then, and when I got home, I wasn’t able to find it anywhere. I’m going to have to replace it today. I’ve got another hook that works (and two that I thought would, but don’t!) but I don’t like it as well and so I need to get one. The sad thing is that I had recently bought two new ones at the Joann’s in Colma, but I either left them at the office, or I lost them both as well. So sad!

The pups are coming to check on me now to find out when breakfast might be forthcoming.

The are both so beautiful! Whe we were on our trip, we begged Marla to bring by her Chihuahua so we could meet and greet, because we were so missing our puppies. Her dog Goldie was very sweet, with a Chihuahua face and an underbite, prob’ly around twelve pounds or so. But, honestly, she wasn’t that into us. I mean, it makes sense. We are not her people.

Marla told us the sweetest story about when they met. Marla was walking and this little dog came out and greeted her and wanted to walk with her, and she was trying to shoo her away. And then a big menacing dog came out and went after the little dog, and Marla chased it off, and after that the little dog never left her side. It was a hard sell to her husband, because they have twins who were then five, and they had promised them they could have a dog when they were seven. But it all worked out and they are crazy happy. Her husband is a really established artist, Will Power, and their twins, now ten, are Sofia and Omar Sol.

Oh, she also told us this great story about her kids. Kind of a crazy day, and they were all making dinner. And then she thanked them for helping with dinner, and they told her “we didn’t ‘help.’ We all made dinner together.”

(I should ask Marla what they made for dinner that night, so I can tell the story right.)

We didn’t actually get to meet Omar Sol and Sofia, although they were at our presentation at the community center on Wednesday night. They had homework and school the next morning, so their dad took them away before it ended. And apparently, Omar Sol was very upset. He has a lot of dietary restrictions, and he was watching us make the cauliflower ceviche and asked if he would be able to eat him, and his parents told him yes. “Then why are we leaving?!?”

Oh, at the potluck on Thursday evening, we had invited people to share their food stories. (In Spanish, which is why I should have really been taking notes, because I don’t remember Spanish conversations in enough detail), and one woman said that when she was in Mexico, her father used to grow corn. And there were nine kids, I think she said. And they ate tortillas. and that was the whole of their diet, corn tortillas from her family’s corn. And I think it was a lesson about how not all stories of “the foods we grew up with” are about abundance and plentitude. But now I am wondering if it was also a lesson that, their mother was able to sustain them on the tortillas and their labor.

At the garden planting on Thursday afternoon, we were at the Bachman Lake Together community center. Some of the women had such incredible knowledge about plants and food. Quelites and verdolagas, sí, but also a wealth of different chiles, different, squashes. I was asking how folks prepared chilacayotes and most answered dulces (candied) but one also talked about how the flowers from the chilacayote are the best eating—and they really are! Very meaty and more substantial than other squash blossoms. And I said that Luz had made them in tamales and one woman replied that she hadn’t made tamales but she especially liked them in quesadillas.

Luz is going to be working hard today to get their spring quarter classes up and running for Monday. It’s the first time they’ve taught three courses in quite a while, and it’s a big adjustment. Next winter/spring, they will be on sabbatical (at 3/4 pay), so on the bright side, it’s just spring quarter and fall quarter and then nine months off!

One lady at the dinner was saying how when she was growing up, her family ate such a wide diversity of foods, quelites, verdolagas, huazontles, amaranths, such a variety of vegetables, and then when she married her husband only wanted her to cook pork or beef. Everything she knew how to make, everything that was rich with vegetables, he dismissed. She knew so much about foods!

At the garden, too, there were three women who just knew so much about all the foods. There was none that we knew that they didn’t! I kept telling them, they need to write a cookbook, because they have the knowledge, right now! in all it’s vitality! The same knowledge that Luz and I are stumbling in the dark trying to reconstruct.

We spent quite some time with the mother of one of the women who runs the program. She was from Querétaro and was telling us about things like pan relleno de chilacayte, severd with a syrup. And lots of atoles, I think.

 

 

 

 

Monday, March 20, 2017

I’m still absurdly pleased with myself for finishing Rhonda bear. I will ship her out today.

We are getting ready for Dallas!

They sent my my ticket itinerary, so I guess I really am going too!

I was telling Luz that we should boycott because of the transphobic bathroom bill, and then when it turned out that they hadn’t sent my ticket and Luz says—panicked—“does that mean that only I am going?”

When I asked for them to send me my travel info, I had also asked for housing information, but when marla wrote back she said she’d be picking us up at the airport tomorrow. Which I guess means that we don’t need to know where we’re staying—information is on a Need to Know Basis!

Oh well, it will all be fine.

The program and the contract and all that looked really intimidating, but was actually fine!

I have a packing list going for the trip.

The pet sitter (Michelle and Mighty Mouse) come tomorrow and will keep our crew happy. Michelle came by for the key on Saturday while I was out, and Luz said the three dogs reuniting was the cutest, cutest thing.

When we went to pick up yesterday’s dinner, there was no parking in Piedmont. My old standby is to park in the Pet Food Express lot. Usually I go in and buy something but when we got there, Rocket Dog Rescue was having an adoption event. So I basically acted as a volunteer, cuddling a mama Min Pin while folks looked at her puppies. She was only two—same as Sweet Pea when we got her, and super good natured. She made growling sounds at some big dogs that were kind of close to her x-pen but not loud or not aggressive.

three hours when we got home and Nopalito smelled another dog on me he was NOT HAPPY! He gave me reproachful glances and snorted in disgust. Then he went over to the other furniture and attempted to wipe the smell off of his nose. That was a very sad moment.

Oh, I’m pms-ing, with the result that I was near tears after dropping Pearl’s eggs last evening when I was bringing the eggs in. (four brown eggs and one white one, so I knew it was Pearl’s). I apologized to her and tried to clean it up, but we were also in a hurry.

Let me go feed my puppies breakfast. I’ve been worrying that SweetPea is more frail after her dental visit resulted in five tooth extractions. She recovered pretty quickly, and except for the shaved area on her wrist.

Alright, Luz is tarting to get antsy so we need to put together a list of things to do today before our trip. We don’t leave until 2pm tomorrow, which is a mercy!

So this queer youth suggested knitting titties (there’s a knitting pattern linked to a pink breast cancer support group, that knits false breasts for women who have had mastectomies) for transwomen. I thought it was a pretty great idea, but because they said “that breast cancer org is prob’ly transphobic” they haven’t gotten any support.

Of course, they’re right, those breast cancer orgs prob’ly are hella transphobic.

what a super sweet idea this is!

I actually think it’s a better use to knit them for interested transfolk than for breast cancer survivors.. but i have kind a unique perspective, since my partner is a breast cancer survivor, gnc, and we had a really hard time with the pink-lady-culture of breastcancer Inc.

Plus, I’m really haunted by the Cancer Journals where the nurse(?) pressures Audre Lorde to wear a pink falsy on her way out from the clinic, because she wouldn’t want to lower the morale of the other women, would she?

The original pattern is by Beryl Tang, Tit Bits.

She also published it in Knitty with a great article, but what’s really neat is that the emphasis is on fun and funky versus “realistic.” I could see a knitting group at the LBGTQ center knitting up fun, beaded tetas, cupcakes, etc…

In fact, I see a whole short story growing up around this idea. From the perspective of a young transwoman. titled something like “the crazy lesbians that want to adopt me.”

“Look, m’ija, I crocheted you a breast!”

“Look! it’s like a cupcake, and the nipple is a cherry!”

And the young woman is all, please, god, please, can’t I just have a confirmation dress?

or something.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

I’ve spent my morning thus far in the leisurely pursuit of reading nine year-old blog posts from a knitter who makes motherbears—comfort bears for children in Africa affected by HIV. Purling Antonia is the name of her blog. She started it planning to make 100 bears. I’m pretty sure she’s made 500, but I could be wrong about that.
 
Anyway, she makes it seem wonderful and magical and meditative. And makes me want to finish up Rhonda Bear and move on to my next bear.

Luz has just left for yoga, where, I told them “Get Hot! Get Sweaty! Make Boys Cry!” and then I imagined them having a tshirt that said that, and wearing it to yoga and the boys nearby reading it. Of course, that would push them to try harder, which would make them cry harder.

Nopalito got me up last night and then when he was outside, went tearing across the yard, chasing and barking and barking and barking! Of course I had neglected to put on slippers, and so there I was, walking barefoot across our treacherous back yard, in my just-pedicured soft-soled little feet! Curses! Since then my toes have been hurting on my left foot, which I injured recently. I can’t remember now if I fell on it, or it was just that I smacked it into the cast-iron table leg, full force.
After the initial injury, I was worried I might have a fracture, but there was no swelling or discoloration, so I decided not.

Today I am wishing for comfrey to rub over it, to promote healing.

The lady who gave me a pedicure wanted to buy Rhonda Bear off of me.

Hey, you know what’s funny? I always get really impatient with beginning knitters/crocheters, who want their first project to be runway-ready. And I always think, the folks in beginning art classes don’t expect their work that day to hang in museums. (Although we kind of do!) Hang on Mom’s fridge, and hang in our study, or the the friend to whom it had special significance, sure!
But that’s part of what I struggled with Rhonda Bear. and that’s what me and the OCD were working against: she’s a bear to learn on.

Give me a kiss to build a dream on,
and my imagination will thrive upon that kiss.
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this:
a kiss to build a dream on.

She, the blog author, Gisela (not Antonia!) posted this memory from 1956 that I want to figure out how to incorporate into my lotería assignment.
[The art teacher] walked into our classroom once a week and told a story. When he was finished he asked us to draw a big rectangle on paper and divide it into four parts.
“Draw the four scenes you like most in the story.”
I think the answer is that instead of drawing from whatever, they have to draw from one of the texts or stories from the class, and do a 2x2 loteria tabla.

The students resist any kind of structure, but I think structure is very good for them. It makes you make choices. It makes you commit to those choices. so instead of doing a half-ass job on nine different images, you have to do a great job on four.

Like they might do La Llorona, Huitzitzílin, Cleofilas, and the river.

Or Malinche, Guadalupe, La Chalupa, and La Sirena.

Yeah, I could really see this working!

Alright: Luz has been gone for more than half an hour and I am in exactly the same position I was when they left. But I have written over six hundred words more and that is a very good thing.

I need to move my writerly brain if I don’t want it to atrophy. and that means that it will get sore—like my left wrist from crocheting amigurumi style, or my left foot from walking barefoot across the backyard in the dark in the middle of the night to retrieve a barking chihuahua—and maybe disturb my sleep, or at least restructure my dream. And those are all very good things as well!

Okay, some fine-tuning to take care of the cat ears on my bear…

Honestly, I think I decreased too much for the neck or should've increased more for the head.

I was in a rush to finish (thus the cat ears) because I was knitting in public, and that makes you want to have a finished project to show.

Coming back, I followed delight's bear ear tutorial -- very helpful. I went back this morning and tried to follow it, adapting to crochet.

definite improvement.

I picked out my finishing seam--I remembered I'd had to join more yarn just a row or so before the end, so I knew I could unravel a little without disturbing the facial embroidery. I unraveled to there,
--I added a photo here because with her head open and all the curlies coming out, I was reminded of those ads for Sea Monkey's in the back of the comic books!--

I added a row or two, with some extra increases at front and back of head, at sides, and above eyebrows--I really should have started with a bigger head!

quick scarf before DH gets home from yoga--have to hurry so that I won't be sitting in the exact same spot in the exact same position as when they left two hours ago!--TA DA!

Rhonda the Acrobat bear

Named after Rhonda Daufman (sp?) in the Theater Department at Eastern New Mexico University in 1985. She sewed her own hot-pink unitard. And dated Palestinian guys to make her parents insane.
(pasted in the notes from ravelry, because I don’t want any of my words to go to waste, i.e. not be counted. Like when you’re not wearing your pedometer, so your steps don’t count.

I didn’t wash my face yet and it’s breaking out so I’d better go rectify that, then head out to the pet store to get dog food etc, and stop by La Farine for a hot cross bun for Beverley.

(I was eying them yesterday at Feel Good Bakery at Alameda, but worried that they wouldn’t be fresh enough for today)

Luz does not want a hot cross bun.

one a penny, two a penny, hot crossed buns.
if you have no daughters, give them to your sons
one a penny, two a penny, hot crossed buns.



Saturday, March 18, 2017


Yesterday I got stuck while working on my Acrobat Bear: I joined the arms and then panicked. I posted for help on ravelry and everything. Finally someone posted and identified the four decrease points and I looked again at the pattern and was able to figure out where they would fall on my bear (since I was totally off on stitch count) and it worked out well.
I finished decreases to the neck and now have to figure out the head, whether to make it separately (top down) or attached and bottom up, with the seam on the top.
It’s coming out pretty good. A lot like I imagined it would. As a prototype, it’s working for what I wanted it to, and I want to finish it and send it off.
I know my mom is disappointed that we’re on spring break and not coming to visit. I’m sure that has a lot to do with my bad attitude about the SMU gig. <sigh>
I took the dogs for a walk yesterday and will need to do so again today. Luz wants me to get a haircut and a pedicure before our trip so I can look more presentable.
They tried to get new glasses before the trip (going to lenscrafters) but they won’t be ready for another week.
Nopalito was throwing up this morning. Just bile/foam. I don’t know if that was from needing to go to the bathroom, or something he ate in the middle of the night, or what.
I keep saying I’ll be better about calling my Dad, but I haven’t done it yet.
I am moving my laundry along. Luz let me scav off their breakfast of Ethiopian chilequiles. I need to hydrate today because I didn’t at all yesterday. Well, I thought I did, but I still ended up in a deficit. In the red, so to speak.





Friday, March 17, 2017

I did go to bed but have mostly been goofing off today!
Luz is a Julie’s Tea Cafe grading grading grading. I should be grading grading grading, too, but I don’t want to!

I started stuffing my bear’s legs and she looks so much better already! I realized I need to unravel part of the arms because I had started pink short sleeves, and just realized that the image I’m going for is sleeveless. The arms are pretty short, anyway, so I would’ve needed to add on to them anyway.
My left wrist (not my right!) is hurting from trying to tighten my gauge by yanking on the yarn. It could just be sore from being unused to so much activity, though. I’m not worried about it, but i have to stop doing things like this: it always puts me off projects when I try to “fix” problems and make the project more work and less relaxing.

Still fantasizing about making dolls. The little boy in a dinosaur costume for Steven. Cisco as teenage mutant ninja turtle.

Nopalito is barking his head off out the front window because it is Friday.

I saw something a little while ago and I wish I’d followed up. There was a Muslim woman walking up the middle of the street, and a guy in a car was going slow alongside her talking to her. I just presumed they knew each other, but I wish I’d double-checked to make sure she was ok.

I have a lot of ambivalence abut knitting for the mother bear project, because I fear it’s just white people charity, without any critical reflecting, appreciation of how we are ourselves the cause of many peoples problems. But then I say that it’s something that I can do that may be good for me and good for someone else and maybe that is just enough for now.

Right now I need to get up, get dressed, take my pills, pick up some stitch markers, go clean the coop.
I dreamt last night that my dad was driving me around old-los angeles and telling me, they used to grow carrots here, or that place had goats, so many goats you could buy the manure, and felipes where we would have the french dip sandwiches. Maybe instead of asking Margo to sketch me and christine and my dad at the sofa truck, I should just crochet the dolls.

So far my creativity is limited to the realm of imaginary crochet dolls.

anyway, the dogs could use a walk, as that would settle some of Nopalito’s barkiness.

Oh, but I was thinking about WoC theology of liberation and how Octavia Butler’s Wild Seed is the conflict between the loving, creative mother god, Anyanwu, and the predatory, dangerous, father god Doro. And while in the novel they come to being able to live together, in Mind of My Mind, the courageous WoC daughter is able to finally kill Doro the dangerous father but is ultimately setting herself and her (white+multiracial) uber-community up as the next gods. (who will need to be rebelled against in the future). But that Anyanwu decides to die, rather than live in her granddaughter’s world without Doro.

I worry that we are all (whether my family in particular or folks in general) Doro’s people: bred by him for prey, with their “talents” making them unfit for family life. They are drawn to one another but are dangerous to one another, with mental illness, drug and alcoholism, child abuse, etc. And Doro, the engineer of their misery, is also the one who “rescues” them from it, setting them up somewhere, and then “rescues” them again when he kills them and takes their bodies.

Anyanwu giveth life and Doro taketh life away.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Luz has already gone to bed and I should get there now, too, because I got up just as early as they did (although i didn’t leave the house)

But I’m getting very tired. So I should just check the front door, check the kitchen, take out the dough, and go to bed. too tired.

But I wanted to write some thoughts down before they flit away through my brain. I’m currently obsessed with knitting and crocheting dolls.

I want to crochet a papier mache acrobat doll.

I want to crochet a doll for Aunt Grace

I want to crochet a doll for little Jose Alfonso (in pecheras)

I want to crochet a Grandma Libby doll.

I want to crochet Tío Antonio and Uncle Pony as Los Hermanos.

I want to crochet a virgen de guadalupe doll.

I want to crochet a chihuahua.

We are nearly to the end of the series Juana Inés. I hated the first third of it. But I’m enjoying the last third quite a bit, both for the way they’re showing the end of the Padre Antonio Miranda myth (that he was her savior, that he was her object of desire) and instead shows that she fired him. But more, I think, I’m actually liking this Juana better than the others. I like how she is pretty. I like how she is smart.

 

I need to go to bed.

We had Ethiopian food tonight, so good leftovers tomorrow (Luz’s fusion chilequiles)

SweetPea is here with me and Nopalito is with Luz.

I joined the legs for the bear today. I’m heading up the torso, but need to stop until I figure out where the arms go and whether I need to re-do them or whether the ones I made will work.

For the papier mache doll, I think using a bear body might be a good option, though I’ve saved some others. The color yarns I have are perfect. I’m kindof in love with them!

I read someone today who said that the NaNoWriMo strategy is a winning one for their creativity.

Aya de Leon. That’s who. https://ayadeleon.wordpress.com/2017/03/16/nanowrimo-my-secret-to-year-round-productivity/

time to go to bed, little flower child.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

It’s already March! This year is going by so quickly. Luz and I had our un-anniversary this week. 21 years. That’s crazy!

We have been watching season 3 of Jane the Virgin and I have been feeling more and more like I should be writing a novel instead of…everything else.

I’m not writing at all these days, and that’s not good for my brain or my soul.

I taught “Woman Hollering Creek” for the first time this week. And so, it was not that smooth. BUT, I realized that what I like about that story is that it’s the answer to Emma Pérez’s sexuality and discourse. That is, it’s about a community of women, stepping in and changing the tragedy. changing the telenovela story line. Cracking it open and offering new alternative endings. That’s what Felice and Graciela do.

That’s what nobody does for Delgadina.

In Song of the Hummingbird, Graciela Limón writes a new ending for La Llorona, where she kills not her children, but the engineer of her misery, Baltazar, who takes her children away from her. But she is still a woman alone, acting alone. Her relationships are with men: Zintle, Tetla, Baltazar. She is mother to her children: the wings of a bird, Baltazar (II), Paloma (little this and little that).

She has no helpers in the story. She has one nameless helper, who lures Baltazar to the underground passages with stories of hidden gold. But this character has no name and Huitzitzílin has no relationship with them. What would it mean if that person was her lover, her business partner, her comadre?

So then—back to me writing a novel—I was thinking, I should re-write The Order of Santa Rita modeling Cisneros’s writing of Woman Hollering Creek. In terms of narrative voice, structure, time.

SIDE NOTE: “Woman Hollering Creek” should go with “La Historia de Una Marimacha” in the anthology of stories that structure my understanding of the divine. What Night Brings. Luna’s California Poppies. Santora. The God Box. So Far from God. Bless Me Ultima. Portrait of Doña Elena. Wild Steps of Heaven.

 

That’s what I want to write, by the way. I feel like my ultimate goal is teach Portrait of Doña Elena. and Ludlow: Grito de los Mineros.

No, I mean that’s what I want to write. I want to write the abuela’s diary.

I can meditate on that story and then write in that way. And then I can choose another story and use that as a model. That is, I can move my fiction writing out of where it is—stuck!—into another space. and I can follow readers I admire. And I don’t have to wait till I find a creative writing teacher. Orale, I’m nearly 52 years old—“'Caminante, no hay puentes, se hace puentes al andar.” Quit looking for someone to be my bridge. To be my teacher.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Fuck that! When the student is ready, she can figure out how to be her own teacher.

[I posted this update on FB and then had to explain the whole concept to Luz and they thought that’s a BRILLIANT idea, because Woman Hollering Creek that is such a perfect story! And it means you have to withhold information from the reader. And it means you have to play with timing, to move beyond “this happened and then that happened” that beginning writers stay stuck in.]

Something like that. Hey, someone in Washington wants to invite me up to give a talk about theology. I should be writing “Towards a Tzlingona Theology.”

Thursday, February 16, 2017

First: I found out that Edwidge Danticat wrote a children’s book about Anacaona, Taino Princess of Hayti.

Last night i was thinking about Aurora Levins Morales and Guanina, and the children’s book written about La Malinche, and Danticat’s book,

and then I was thinking about Alma Lopez’s version of Legend of the Volcanoes…and how she was trying to imagine the real story of Popo and Ixta and maybe she wasn’t that into him, and maybe she was pretending to be dead in the hopes that he would go away…

And I came up with this whole scenario, where the Ixta/Popo story was made up after the fact. That the first representation was the pictorial, and what it’s really about is the murder of Coyolxauhqui, but that Rather than showing the horrible gory mess (a la murdered women in Juarez, mutilated and killed) it instead represents Coyo as beautiful and desirable

Because, every single woman is beautiful and desirable. that’s why we have all those lovely virgin saints. that’s why the portraits of Sor Juana are so different from the portraits of Catalina de Erauso…
(Catalina de Erauso is historically a man and so doesn’t have to be beautiful but can be strong)
So it’s really an image of Huitzilopochtli laying his sister’s body to rest.

It’s not really the grande romance but rather the recasting of it as a romance is part of the heterosexualization of violence. That is, that we normalize male violence against women by casting it as heterosexual romance.

And that furthermore, in this representation—male subject, dead female object—we once again make Huitzilopochtli the Hero and Coyolxauhqui merely incidental to his story.

I haven’t figured this all out yet. In particular, there seems to be an element of the volcano Ixtaccihuatl and the the re-membering of Coyolxauhqui, which is really a forgetting. But am I then “getting rid of Ixta” as Keta said about Terrill’s La Historia de Amor?

When I told my students that Keta didn’t like Terrill’s piece because he “got rid of Ixta” (the figure with whom she identified) Brieanna asked if Keta like Alma Lopez’s piece…and of course I didn’t know the answer. Right now, I can’t even remember the name of Lopez’s piece! How weird is that?!?

Okay, I ended up really disliking this novel I read, Nichola Griffith’s Ammonite. (Tribal women!) but one part that I liked was that there was a certain kind of berry that prevented a serious illness. And the berries were bitter. And one girl refused to eat her berries. And then she got very ill and sent for the curandera, and the curandera refused to come because she hadn’t eaten her berries. (Why should I do for you when you won’t do for yourself?)

Thenike smiled. “Torren was a young girl who thought she knew best and did not always eat her nitta seeds, or wear her cap in the middle of winter. One day she got sick and went to the healer. The healer turned her away, saying, why should she help Torren when Torren always refused to help herself?”
“So what happened?” “It depends. Sometimes Torren repents, sometimes the healer relents, sometimes Torren dies.”

Griffith, Nicola (2002-04-10). Ammonite (p. 189). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Editio
n.
OMG, I made it to 700 words! Hurray hurray calloo callay!

I have a faculty meeting before class this morning (of all things!!!!)

My laundry just beeped so I’m going to pop it in the dryer and start getting ready.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017


I need to sign off now, because my attention keeps wandering to other things. I’m going to go turn on the hot water for Luz, because their alarm just went off a little while ago.

Today’s doll knitting is a fuschia and orange and black jumper (american).
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My students were asking me about Keta yesterday, because I said that she didn’t really like Joey Terrill’s “La historia de amor” because it “got rid of Ixta”

Alright, 400 words, that’s pretty good for starting out. Now, on to my responsibilities. I have to start leaving a little earlier. I think I left for work at 9:40 yesterday, and didn’t make it to the carpool lane before ten o’clock, which added about 20 minutes to my commute time.
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I hope I have clean clothes I can wear today.